dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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