I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So many bounce houses so little time
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
