I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
