The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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