Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
