So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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