I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
