I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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