I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
