I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
my liver is dry heaving
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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