They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
