Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Randomize
