I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
