You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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