I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
