dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
there's paper in my vomit.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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