All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize