some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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