You can't special order awesome
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
