He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize