The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I am naked and annoyed.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
