i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
