Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
