Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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