I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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