Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
