Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
