If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
