apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I love you.
Bad choice
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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