He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
