I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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