Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize