Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
