I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
