I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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