Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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