can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
