Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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