my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
