I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
