it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
