This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
