I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
