Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
