the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
