I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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