I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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