I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
