3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
