when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize