The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's never too late to be topless.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
