we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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