how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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