Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
