I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
