um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
