Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
