DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
