So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
